Recently, some of my happily "we"ed friends separeted from their other halves suprisingly, and joined the single-late- twenty-something-succesful-female life . As in our patriarchal societies, it is bad to be a single woman, they are all, I am guessing, going through tough times getting used to this new role where ever they are. (Welcome back dahlings!)
Since I left my happily-coupled life in Cuba, I was not sure about where I was fitting in this picture. Sometimes, having a long-distance relationship could be even harder than being single again; it is a very blurry area, especially if you are not sure, when will be the next time you will see your media naranja. Anyways, all I know is, I was sad, felt miserable for the first couple of weeks of sleeping and waking up alone, and not hearing "Hey gorgeous, come back to bed, don't go to the gym this morning!" Nobody reminded me anymore that I was special, smart and beautiful. Nobody to cook for, nobody to care for.
And I guess the hardest part of all was that I did not have any of my girl friends to hang out with, do all the things I have not done while being with a man. Nobody to talk to.
When I got here, I thought I knew what I wanted from life. I thought it was all set up, at least it was pretty much clear what I would be doing here and then after. For obvious reasions, in three months I have been here, so much happened, and I could not control most of what happened, I felt week and stupid afterwards.
Then a couple of weeks ago, I had a moment. Here I was after two hours of body combat, at my cold apartment, alone, watching TV, eating dinner. Then another day, on Sunday, I had brunch all by myself, in my room, alone, not even reading a quality newspaper, without friends. I separated my self from my body and looked at myself: what a pathetic view I thought. Why am I all alone in a foreign country? Why am I not with the ones I love so much? I left my boyfriend, I left my friends, I left mom so that I can do what I think is right. But now I am left here, miserably sola.
I am sure years ago—very few but there were moments—I felt the same way a couple of times, being alone and bored, and I was not even in a foreign country, I was in Istanbul, or even in NYC. I have chosen to go out, get drunk and forget how bored I was, or hang out with people that I really did not care so much, just so that I would not be alone. (This statement just saved me a couple of thousands of dollars I could have spent on therapy later, I am glad I found out all by myself).
I am not going to explain in details why, seems very unimportant right now, but I decided that I was not going to think that being alone is all that pitiable. Since that day, I started discovering this city, the way I want to, going to the places I think are interesting, wearing all the funky clothes I can, even though it does not match with this city’s ambient or the people who surround me. It is not so bad after all. I don’t know how long it would eventually take me to get to know new people, or re-unite with my good friends (and I miss them so much), right now I feel relieved and happy first time in months.
Now I can say it out loud: I am alone and it is fabulous. And it is entirely my choice...
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